shitrichcollegekidssay:

The conversation around these photos can not be limited to the violent way in which these photos were obtained and the attempts to justify their consumption. We need recognize the reason these types of photos are actively sought after.

There is a very specific reason that men seek leaked nude photos of celebrities. There is a specific reason that ‘revenge porn’ is so popular. The men who consume this media derive pleasure from the humiliation of these women. They derive pleasure from the violation of privacy. They derive pleasure from the lack of consent.

Men specifically seek these types of photos to obtaining pleasure from the sexual assault of women.

- Mod N

(via stfueverything)

face-down-asgard-up:

halfhardtorock:

thepeoplesrecord:

herhonestlife:

FUCK ANTI RAPE NAIL POLISH

Do you think that we haven’t been trying hard enough?

It’s also really disturbing to me that its a bunch of fucking dudes who made this shit and will profit from it. So men profiting from rape culture again. Great, have fun. Thanks for nothing, shitheads.

Do you think that we haven’t been trying hard enough?

There it is.

(via regularmiracle)

Resources for Male Survivors

noahslark:

letstalkaboutrape:

I posted last week asking people if they knew of some good resources for male victims of sexual assault. Here is the list people came up with:

www.malesurvivor.org

www.violenceunsilenced.com

www.rainn.org

www.pandys.org

www.1in6.org

www.soulspeakout.org

Thanks everyone!

As the guy who started the first web forum for male survivors nearly 20 years ago, I can’t tell you how much it means to see resources like these available for other survivors now.

That’s awesome! It’s an honor to hear from someone who has done such important work and I’m so glad this small but mighty list is meaningful to you. Is your forum still up and running? Can we add it to the list? Thanks so much for commenting <3

"

I’m appreciative that young men [like the ones who created the “anti-rape” nail polish] want to curb sexual assault, but anything that puts the onus on women to “discreetly” keep from being raped misses the point. We should be trying to stop rape, not just individually avoid it.

If it were truly that simple, previous iterations of this same concept would have worked. Remember “anti-rape underwear”? Or the truly terrifying “Rapex” – a female condom that would insert tiny hooks into an assailant’s penis? You can’t really expect women to wear modern chastity belts or a real-life vagina dentata in order to be safe. That’s not trying to stop rape - it’s essentially arguing that some people getting raped is inevitable.

Even if a woman were to wear special nail polish or anti-rape underwear, or if she listens to common – but misplaced – advice about not getting drunk and always walking home in a group, all she’s supposedly ensuring is that she won’t be attacked. (And even then it’s not real security, because women who do all the “right” things get raped too) What about the girl at the same party who decided to have a few drinks that night? “So long as it isn’t me” isn’t an effective strategy to end rape.

"

— My latest at the Guardian US, Why is it easier to invent anti-rape nail polish than find a way to stop rapists?  (via jessicavalenti)

What is sexual assault prevention? On “roofies” and nail polish (Trigger warning: rape culture, victim blaming)

shouldilookolder:

letstalkaboutrape:

I’m sure a lot of you have seen articles going around talking about a new nail polish developed by four young men called “Undercover Colors” that is designed to change colors when put into drinks containing drugs that are commonly used by perpetrators to facilitate sexual assault. It’s one of many of a long line of products designed so that women can “keep ourselves safe” from sexual assault (I’m looking at you pepper spray, rapex, color-changing coasters, and anti-rape underwear). While I’m sure this product was developed with only the best intentions, the fact that four men looking to solve the problem of sexual assault thought this was the best solution illuminates precisely the root of the problem: preventing sexual assault is not the responsibility of women and people who wear nail polish and prevention is ONLY possible if we fundamentally redefine masculinity.

Several articles have outlined why this kind of product is problematic and the list really could go on and on. Most notably, it places the responsibility for rape prevention on the shoulders of victims and possible victims rather than perpetrators. It also reinforces stereotypes about what kinds of rape are taking place since the number one drug used is alcohol with drugs accounting for a small percentage of assaults. Not to mention that most are perpetrated by someone the victim knows and trusts in an environment where they feel safe. I’m also really struggling with the concept that we should be “discreetly” checking for drugs in our drinks. Even the name “Undercover Colors” makes it seem like their purported mission of rape prevention is something we need to be quiet about.

"At least they tried," you might be saying. "What if even one person is ‘saved’ as a result of this nail polish?" you might ask. And to that I ask back, "What happens when the person wearing the nail polish successfully avoids the perpetrator but the next person being targeted doesn’t? Is that prevention? Does this kind of product actually change the root of the problem or does it just put a band-aid on it and call that prevention? What if instead of putting their energy, time, and money toward the development of this product, these four men had used that same energy, time, and money towards becoming vocal allies against rape in their community and encouraging other men to do the same?"

Look, I get it. Ending rape is hard work. And it would be really great if we could just invent a magical product and call the problem solved. But none of these products are actually doing the work that needs to be done to end rape and that’s because the problem is deeply rooted in patriarchal values and the work to undo that is slow and difficult. It requires that we deconstruct what it means to be a man and reconstruct it in a way that doesn’t rely on violence as the desirable (or only) option for self-expression and self-definition. It requires that we create a culture that gives men space to be emotional, to encourage them to communicate about their thoughts and feelings, and that we give them tools to do productive and healthy things with those thoughts and feelings rather than destructive ones. It requires that we look at the ways that racism, misogyny, heterosexism, capitalism, ableism, and the state intersect and work together to create and promote rape culture. And most importantly, it requires that men are willing to do the work required to change themselves and challenge other men to do the same.

If we are truly committed to preventing and ending rape, we have to ask ourselves what that really means and what that really looks like. I’m confident it doesn’t look like drug-detecting nail polish. As long as we seek external, commodity-based solutions to the problem of rape culture, rape culture will persist. Rape is a problem of violent masculinity. It’s not a problem of improper accessorizing.

U G H

We’re never going to “end rape”

I’m sorry

But we’re not

We’re never going to live on a planet with perfect people. Yes, culture changes and attitude changes and it could very well get BETTER but there’s never going to be a world where NO rapes occur

This nonsense is like saying “it’s the fault of a drunk driver if they crash into my car, so I’m not going to wear a seatbelt because that’s like saying it’s my responsibility”

It’s STUPID. I’m gonna wear that seatbelt because bottom line, I DON’T WANT TO DIE. 

And some people will choose to wear this nail polish because their bottom line is that they DON’T WANT TO BE RAPED.

Is a woman (or anyone) required to take measures like these to protect herself? No. Does the availability of these products make her responsible? No.

And are we not acknowledging that this product could lead to arrests? It’s not just a matter of getting the rapist to “rape the other girl.”

So yes, educate and advocate and try to fix the culture and the attitudes and the blah blah blah

But while we do all that, I DON’T WANT TO GET RAPED, nor does anyone else, so these products are pretty much A+ in my book

JEEZ

This just further illustrates why products like these are so harmful. They create a false sense of security: If I wear this nail polish, I am safe from rape. When the reality is, you’re not. None of us are. And we want to believe that’s not the case because that’s a scary reality but no amount of shit we can buy or classes we take is going to keep us safe from it. Not as long as we live in a rape culture where perpetrators aren’t held accountable. And when products like this are created people feel like the work is done when it’s not. At all. And what happens when someone is assaulted while wearing this nail polish by someone they knew and trusted in some way other than drug-facilitated rape? What added feelings of guilt and responsibility will they have because they “failed” to prevent the assault? It’s all well and good to claim that culture change is important, but culture change doesn’t happen as long as we live in a culture that says it’s up to potential victims to stop rape rather than it being up to potential perpetrators.

Edited to add: I am in no way criticizing anyone who takes any measures they feel they need to take to stay safer. What I’m criticizing is a culture that demands that of us in the first place. 

What is sexual assault prevention? On “roofies” and nail polish (Trigger warning: rape culture, victim blaming)

I’m sure a lot of you have seen articles going around talking about a new nail polish developed by four young men called “Undercover Colors” that is designed to change colors when put into drinks containing drugs that are commonly used by perpetrators to facilitate sexual assault. It’s one of many of a long line of products designed so that women can “keep ourselves safe” from sexual assault (I’m looking at you pepper spray, rapex, color-changing coasters, and anti-rape underwear). While I’m sure this product was developed with only the best intentions, the fact that four men looking to solve the problem of sexual assault thought this was the best solution illuminates precisely the root of the problem: preventing sexual assault is not the responsibility of women and people who wear nail polish and prevention is ONLY possible if we fundamentally redefine masculinity.

Several articles have outlined why this kind of product is problematic and the list really could go on and on. Most notably, it places the responsibility for rape prevention on the shoulders of victims and possible victims rather than perpetrators. It also reinforces stereotypes about what kinds of rape are taking place since the number one drug used is alcohol with drugs accounting for a small percentage of assaults. Not to mention that most are perpetrated by someone the victim knows and trusts in an environment where they feel safe. I’m also really struggling with the concept that we should be “discreetly” checking for drugs in our drinks. Even the name “Undercover Colors” makes it seem like their purported mission of rape prevention is something we need to be quiet about.

"At least they tried," you might be saying. "What if even one person is ‘saved’ as a result of this nail polish?" you might ask. And to that I ask back, "What happens when the person wearing the nail polish successfully avoids the perpetrator but the next person being targeted doesn’t? Is that prevention? Does this kind of product actually change the root of the problem or does it just put a band-aid on it and call that prevention? What if instead of putting their energy, time, and money toward the development of this product, these four men had used that same energy, time, and money towards becoming vocal allies against rape in their community and encouraging other men to do the same?"

Look, I get it. Ending rape is hard work. And it would be really great if we could just invent a magical product and call the problem solved. But none of these products are actually doing the work that needs to be done to end rape and that’s because the problem is deeply rooted in patriarchal values and the work to undo that is slow and difficult. It requires that we deconstruct what it means to be a man and reconstruct it in a way that doesn’t rely on violence as the desirable (or only) option for self-expression and self-definition. It requires that we create a culture that gives men space to be emotional, to encourage them to communicate about their thoughts and feelings, and that we give them tools to do productive and healthy things with those thoughts and feelings rather than destructive ones. It requires that we look at the ways that racism, misogyny, heterosexism, capitalism, ableism, and the state intersect and work together to create and promote rape culture. And most importantly, it requires that men are willing to do the work required to change themselves and challenge other men to do the same.

If we are truly committed to preventing and ending rape, we have to ask ourselves what that really means and what that really looks like. I’m confident it doesn’t look like drug-detecting nail polish. As long as we seek external, commodity-based solutions to the problem of rape culture, rape culture will persist. Rape is a problem of violent masculinity. It’s not a problem of improper accessorizing.

"

I’ll never punish my daughter for saying no.

The first time it comes out of her mouth, I’ll smile gleefully. As she repeats “No! No! No!” I’ll laugh, overjoyed. At a young age, she’ll have mastered a wonderful skill. A skill I’m still trying to learn. I know I’ll have to teach her that she has to eat her vegetables, and she has to take a nap. But “No” is not wrong. It is not disobedience.

1. She will know her feelings are valid.
2. She will know that when I no longer guide her, she still has a right to refuse.

The first time a boy pulls her hair after she says no, and the teacher tells her “boys will be boys,” we will go to her together, and explain that my daughter’s body is not a public amenity. That boy isn’t teasing her because he likes her, he is harassing her because it is allowed. I will not reinforce that opinion. If my son can understand that “no means no” so can everyone else’s.

3. She owes no one her silence, her time, or her cooperation.

The first time she tells a teacher, “No, that is wrong,” and proceeds to correct his public school, biased rhetoric, I’ll revel in the fact that she knows her history; that she knows our history. The first time she tells me “No” with the purpose and authority that each adult is entitled, I will stop. I will apologize. I will listen.

4. She is entitled to her feelings and her space. I, even a a parent, have no right to violate them.
5. No one has a right to violate them.

The first time my mother questions why I won’t make her kiss my great aunt at Christmas, I’ll explain that her space isn’t mine to control. That she gains nothing but self doubt when she is forced into unwanted affection. I’ll explain that “no” is a complete sentence. When the rest of my family questions why she is not made to wear a dress to our reunion dinner. I will explain that her expression is her own. It provides no growth to force her into unnecessary and unwanted situation.

6. She is entitled to her expression.

When my daughter leaves my home, and learns that the world is not as open, caring, and supportive as her mother, she will be prepared. She will know that she can return if she wishes, that the real world can wait. She will not want to. She will not need to. I will have prepared her, as much as I can, for a world that will try to push her down at every turn.

7. She is her own person. She is complete as she is.

I will never punish my daughter for saying no. I want “No” to be a familiar friend. I never want her to feel that she cannot say it. She will know how to call on “No” whenever it is needed, or wanted.

"

— Lessons I Will Teach, Because the World Will Not — Y.S. (via poetryinspiredbyyou)

(via wonderfulslumber)

Anonymous said: So uh would you mind please pointing me in the direction on how to talk to a partner about rape? He already knows but I really want to get into detail, and I'm not sure how to open up that communication barrier

selfcareafterrape:

Hello Anon,

Congratulations on telling him the first time. That must have taken a lot of courage and you should be super proud of yourself for that. Taking this next step is also just wow. Go you!! Super glad that you’ve found someone you can trust so much.

There are a few ways to open up the conversation but the first decision to make is how you’re going to do so. Will it be face-to-face? Written? Recorded? or any combination thereof? Here is a post that outlines how to to plan a talk with someone about your trauma. 

Once you’ve made that decision it will be easier to break down that barrier. This post actually deals with talking about trauma in general but many of the tips can be used to share your trauma with others as well.

Good luck!!
Jelly

For the anon I responded to yesterday about talking with others about your trauma.

"‘Men get raped and molested,’ should be a whole sentence. If you have to tack on the word ‘too,’ then you’re using the experience of male victims to silence females instead of giving them their own space."

(via goldenphoenixgirl)

Not sure if I’ve reblogged this before but it always bears repeating.

(via thebicker)

If the only time you talk about male rape survivors is when you are interrupting women and non-binary people talking about sexual assault statistics and their own experiences, don’t pretend you give a shit about male rape survivors.

(via abscidium)

(Source: theresalwaysalwayssomething, via rapeculturerealities)

(trigger warning: rape) How to talk to friends and family about my experience as a survivor

Anon asked: First of all, thanks for running this site! I have a (male) friend who makes rape jokes even though he knows that I’m very sensitive about this topic. He doesn’t know about my rape and I feel like I should talk to him about it so he will understand me better. I know that I don’t owe that to him, but I want to give our friendship a chance. Now I didn’t find any resources online on how to talk about your own rape, only tips for friends and family, maybe you could give me some advice?
Answer: Thanks for reaching out about this issue that’s so common for survivors. I’m glad that you recognize that you don’t owe this person anything but if you want to share your story with him that is absolutely something you can do. I would hope that if he’s a decent human being he will be an empathetic listener and that he will realize how hurtful his actions are to people around him. It’s unfortunate that it takes someone having to share their personal experiences with being assaulted to get people to care about the ways they are hurting people they claim to care about but it can also be an incredibly effective way to get someone to think about an issue in a totally different way. Regardless, how he reacts to you telling him will tell you a lot about him as a person and whether or not he’s someone you should remain friends with.
As for tips, my first tip would be to figure out how you’re most comfortable telling him. You could write him a letter or email, talk on the phone, or have a conversation in person. Those all have their own benefits and drawbacks so you need to decide what feels most comfortable for you. You can also do a combination where you write down what you want to say and read it to him in person or on the phone in case you’re worried that your nerves will make it hard to talk. 
Second and most importantly, remember that this is your story to tell and you get to tell it on your terms. You get to decide how much detail you want to get into. You get to decide what questions you will answer and what questions you wont answer. You may decide to just say “I am a rape survivor and it hurts me when you tell rape jokes” and not want to go further into detail. You may want to give him details. You may want to let him ask questions. You may not want to. All of these choices are valid and are yours to make. If he tries to push your boundaries or makes you uncomfortable, you get to end the conversation at any time.
You may try practicing the conversation with someone who already knows about it as a way to feel more comfortable with the words and his possible reactions.
I hope these are somewhat helpful. I made a post a while ago responding to a woman who was asking about how to talk to men about rape jokes. It’s not exactly what you’re asking here but there may be some beneficial things in there for you as well.
Do any of my followers have suggestions for this anon about having this conversation with this friend and other friends and family?